Milá Sally…

Dear Sally,

As you know, Otto is my single and childless friend from the mountains, over 40. No, he’s not, wasn’t, and certainly never will be my partner or lover. That’s not my story. I get along perfectly with Otto, kind of like his older sister, a sort of confidant. He’s smart, hardworking, and honest. He’s quite attractive—a tall build, muscular, blue-eyed with dark hair and prominent eyebrows. Yes, he’s not completely without fat, but he’s definitely not overweight.

He can also be funny. He keeps his word. He can be chivalrous when he wants to, or rather, when I remind him what that actually means. He’s proud, like every man, but that’s not a fundamental flaw. He’s not selfish at all. He’s happy to help if asked, and sometimes even on his own. Basically, he’s a hard worker and a sportsman in body and soul, plus a passionate motorcyclist. He takes great photos, has an eye and a sense for beauty. And quite a lot of patience. He has a sense of adventure. He can grit his teeth and not complain. But sometimes he grumbles terribly.

He doesn’t really consider me to be of the weaker sex, and he means it as a compliment, implying that he considers me half a man. This means he can talk to me about anything very openly, and he does exactly that.

So, what is the actual problem with Otto? Dear Sally, he really wants to meet the woman of his heart, but so far, he hasn’t succeeded. He has had one serious relationship in his 40+ years—a year-sharing a household with a young woman. After that, it somehow fell apart. He never had another relationship since. Otto insists that it’s a very clear and logical thing. For him, many things are clear and logical… Otto is very strong in logic and analytical thinking. That comes to him perfectly.

He knows well that when he was building his company and focusing on his career, he couldn’t devote enough time to searching for the right young lady in bars and clubs, where the perfect match are logically found. And he knows he couldn’t offer the discovered girl – star much quality time together, because he was completely devoted to his work. Now he feels—in his view, logically—that his career is sufficiently established, and it’s time to find a wife and start a family. I should mention that he told me this while asking the café staff for the WiFi password to save on his currently turned-off mobile data. And yes, dear Sally, after we finished our coffee, he seriously asked me how we’re going to pay for it. Yes, naturally, each separately… No, Otto doesn’t suffer from unnecessary spendthrift, and that’s probably one of the main reasons why no girls are rushing to him.

Otto lives in Prague, in a nice house where he has an attic apartment. His parents live in the same house. Yes, Sally, Otto has his dwelling thanks to his parents. No, I don’t see anything wrong with that. He lives independently and can take care of himself.

What I find problematic is that, as an IT guy, he keeps such a mess and chaos in his apartment—full of old unusable hardware and cables—that he would never let any visitor in. He’s quite sensible that way. No, I’ve never been to Otto’s place myself. I only know what he told me. When he’s angry and can’t solve something, he grabs a hammer and hits old computers to vent. Parts of old keyboards fly through the air, pieces of circuit boards float away, and wherever they land, they stay. Otto doesn’t worry about it. Dust, either. The leaking roof, either. He’s got a functional bucket for that. That makes sense. It’s also cheaper and easier than fixing the leaking roof. When I asked him where he plans to invite the girl of his heart in an “M” moment, he confidently replied that it’s logical—she will have her cozy, nice, clean place, and he will come to her. And only when she adequately convinces him it’s worth it, he’ll hire a housekeeper, remove his teenage mess, maybe even buy some furniture, to have a place for scattered things, re-glue tiles in the bathroom on the bare wall, and add a railing on the upstairs platform… and he’s even willing to talk about doors, which he says are currently missing from the toilet. That makes sense—it’s pointless to do it beforehand! Dear Sally, I haven’t managed to convince Otto that it makes sense – he should be prepared.

But he took it to heart when I warned him after a 2-hour hike in the forest that it’s not very sexy when he constantly sniffs loudly and produces a terrible accompanying sound from somewhere behind his heel. At that moment, I told him quite clearly that even a combine harvester would be a more pleasant companion than he is right now. No, his logical argument that he can’t easily use a tissue because he has a knife in his pocket—since he’s a proper man, and he carries the knife just in case we find mushrooms—didn’t hold up. After a moment, he admitted that he could put the knife into his backpack that he carries on his back and only keep the tissue in his pocket. He then agreed that he should use the tissue and not explain to me that his sneezing is due to allergies because he’s allergic… I tried to explain this to him clearly. He honestly doesn’t realize, Sally, how disgusting it is, and I can’t imagine any woman other than me who would tell him directly with a bit of humor. The others might think it, but they keep quiet… and they don’t feel the need to meet him again. To his credit, I should mention he even thanked me afterward for my honest feedback.

Otto, as I mentioned, is quite proud. Nothing against that. Pride in a man is actually okay and a sign of his normality. But sometimes his pride really makes me laugh. And then I feel bad because I can’t help but burst out laughing, and I see it hurts him. For example, recently, when he was climbing a bit ahead of me on a hot day during a shared trip. Because he didn’t have shorts at his cottage, he took jeans—completely foolish in summer in the mountains—and tried to cool off by removing his T-shirt. To make it clear, he declared: “At least you’ll see some proper masculine shoulders after a long time!” and showed me his back, which my beloved Istvan, in his 50s+, would genuinely be embarrassed by… fat rolls at the bottom and an upper part completely unmuscular. It’s clear Otto doesn’t overexert himself with physical activity, but he never misses a chance to grab a cake or two somewhere. Hidden under his T-shirt, it’s not that terrible, but without the shirt, it’s a sad sight. And I told him so, and I started to laugh at his proud assumption that I would enjoy his masculine back. Then another sense entered the picture—my sensitive nose.

I asked him carefully, “Otto, do you use antiperspirant or deodorant?”
“No, I wasn’t expecting a lady from Prague here, you know? I’m just here at the cottage, so I don’t need anything like that.”
“Otto, for heaven’s sake, you can’t be serious?! That’s basic hygiene for every person—to use some deodorant! And it’s also good to shave under your arms, then there’s less sweat to bother with, and you can wash better with soap, you know? It smells less then.”
“Yeah, I know. I sometimes shave there, but I just didn’t have time now… and I really don’t use chemical stuff, I won’t use it! It’s terrible crap, and you don’t know what it does to you! I refuse to use it!”
“Wait, Otto, what are you saying? What kind of chemical crap?! You, as a smart guy, can’t believe that the theory that antiperspirant gets into your bloodstream and is poisonous, threatening your life, is true?”
“Well, look, lately in the USA, the number of autists has increased significantly. That’s a disaster. It’s not well studied. They deliberately don’t focus on it in research. And that’s from vaccines and other crap. Antiperspirant could also cause it—that’s logical. But I’ve now gotten really clever about it! In the garden, we grow lavender. You wouldn’t believe how well it works—I pick a sprig of lavender, add mint, and then I stick it under my armpits. I walk around with it for a while and it smells nice for a long time! And it’s totally eco-friendly and free.”

Dear Sally, I couldn’t believe it. Neither my ears nor my eyes. But my nose was right. Oti was given the task to walk behind me so I could survive the hike up the hill in his presence.

At the top, he took a few very nice photos of me. As I say – he has an eye for beauty, detail, and composition. I am also grateful to him for not complaining like an average guy about „you’re taking pictures again,“ and patiently taking new shots until I am satisfied with the results. This can also take quite a bit of time considering my age and physical shortcomings. And when we meet with Evička and Otto takes photos for us two, I have to admit that he every time passes a test of holy patience.

Otto is fascinated by science and inventions. He loves physics. He can talk about it for hours. Literally. During one trip together, I had to warn him after an hour and a half that although I share his fascination with gravity as a physical phenomenon and honestly have no idea how it’s possible that gravitational force is the same as the inertial energy of a body, and I like to believe it’s an unexplored phenomenon, I just want to listen to the little crickets and birds in the branches for a while and stop him from explaining. Anything… He loves to talk, clearly. Probably doesn’t have many people to talk to, so when he’s with me or Evička, he basically goes on non-stop and has great endurance. More than both of us combined, and that’s saying a lot!

Otto also managed to explain to me what type of woman he’s looking for.
Basically, from his point of view, he’s not demanding. It’s enough for him to have small, pretty breasts, slender legs, and a firm little butt. Nothing more. He is completely sure that this is sufficient for a happy life together for another fifty years. Yes, he admits he hasn’t lived with many women so far, but he can’t imagine anything that would irritate him enough if his partner met all the physical criteria mentioned above. He is patient and unshakable, nothing can upset him.

A blonde would be better, but he also accepts a brunette comfortably. Oh, and of course she must not have children. Well, that makes sense—why she can’t have children from a previous relationship is because she would prefer her own children over taking care of him.

So, a childless, slender woman with a firm small backside and a pretty, slightly smaller bust. No, it doesn’t matter what she does. No, he doesn’t want her to be completely stupid, but being overly clever isn’t a plus either. A smart woman thinks she doesn’t actually need a man, that she’ll earn money and handle everything herself. No, nationality doesn’t matter either. Yes, she may like beautiful things and want to be pampered—that’s fine. No, going to a hotel for vacation is foolish; better to set up a tent. Yes, meals will be eaten outside the home. Breakfasts are made at the campsite. A great trip with such a young dream woman would be to the Baltics—they’re cheaper there. Not? Then he’d rather go to Greece. Or Germany, where you can go by your own car, no need to fly, and there’s no need to rent a car locally. Many places can also be reached by train, which is also good. Or on a motorcycle. No, until he’s sleeping with her, he obviously won’t be driving her anywhere—that’s logical.

Recently, he had a date with a girl who met his requirements at first glance. But for the second—nothing special. Imagine, dear Sally, the girl was wearing a skirt, so it was hard to judge immediately how good her backside was. And that’s very important to Otto. It must be not only small but also firm. So he discreetly checked it during the first date with a subtle touch. And he was disappointed. It wasn’t the real thing. This girl had a sponge-like butt. His hand almost sank into it. He absolutely cannot fall in love with such a person and think about a serious relationship. He needs his girlfriend to have a small, firm butt. He already told his ex this clearly in the past, and she didn’t heed it. And she didn’t do any exercises to fix her saggy and flabby backside either. So they split up. It’s logical.

The most important thing in dating, according to Otto, is that HE clearly shows his masculine dominance and that the woman senses his strength, slight disdain, and superiority, or even mild indifference.

Dear Sally, Otto considers this to be the most crucial skill for a man – to play indifference and ignore. Because only then does he believe a man has a chance to attract a young woman and convince her of his qualities. That he is the one and the best Alpha male who will take good care of the family and ensure a high standard of living for the wife.

As for women, if they are not stupid, Otto believes that in their youth, they should be out at bars, discos, and hunting potential sponsors—husbands—instead of studying at university.

According to Otto, women in college are just brainwashed, taught absurd, false self-confidence and very harmful independence. And this, dear Sally he told to ME to a woman with a PhD. According to Otto, a woman should stay at home with the children and be completely dependent on a man. Including creating her own schedule and managing her time. That’s common sense and also logical. The man earns the money and the woman takes care of the children and the household and is entirely reliant on him. A clear division of roles and work. Otto is completely clear on this. Even in my country, where independence and women’s equality is sky high.

He also knows that young women have a much harder time choosing a good partner than men do choosing a potential partner. You ask, dear Sally, why? Well, pay attention. This statement left me breathless for a moment.

Because a MAN SEEKS and KNOWS immediately. That’s how nature made him “genius,” he says. He sees RIGHT AWAY. And in a second, he KNOWS. If she’s a suitable partner—the potential wife and mother—or NOT. That’s how evolution created him. With sharp X-ray vision. He sees. perceives. knows. Chooses. Wins over the woman of his life.

Women, on the other hand, have it much harder because, according to Otto, appearance doesn’t matter to a man at all… She simply cannot see that he’s the right one, even if she wanted to! Dear Sally, she must GET TO KNOW a man, KNOW more about him! That takes more time and effort. Women just have it tougher. Otto wouldn’t swap his masculinity for anything. He’s glad he’s a man.

When I caught my breath, I started genuinely laughing aloud.
A man from afar—maybe across the street, or on TV, in a movie… sees… a blonde with slender legs, a firm small backside, and nice breasts… and immediately KNOWS that THAT is the ONE!

And so he’ll get her. He sees… knows (at least so he thinks…) and then TELLS himself that he had false expectations based on her appearance… He’d be frightened at what he’d find at home and definitely wouldn’t want that… he’d SEPARATE. I laughed so much—annoying Otto, who is utterly convinced of his theory’s correctness.

Now Otto is preparing to hire an agency to prepare a portfolio of young women from Tinder for potential matchmaking based on his criteria. He’s not willing to waste time on lengthy searches and messaging with every applicant at his age. He wants to target and shoot in just the right direction.
So I’m really looking forward to, dear Sally, the next time I see Otto and learn about what’s new in his life. I’ll definitely share it with you. Trust me!